Details have emerged of Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham’s contractual demands, which oblige their characters to throw equal numbers of punches. Where will the stalemate end?

Axar.az reports citing The Guardian that people may go and see Hobbs & Shaw for a variety of reasons. Maybe they’re Fast and Furious fanatics. Perhaps they love the idea of seeing a couple of bald, semi-coherent middle-aged men punch each other somewhere other than Wetherspoons at 2 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. But I will watch it for another reason: because Hobbs & Shaw is shaping up to be one of the most hilariously brittle willy-waving contests in living memory.

In one of the funniest things I’ve ever read, Erich Schwartzel of the Wall Street Journal reveals an endearingly pathetic detail of the Fast and Furious franchise: none of the actors want to lose a fight. Jason Statham has apparently negotiated an agreement with the studio that limits the extent to which he can be beaten up. Dwayne Johnson has also enlisted “producers, editors and fight coordinators” to make sure “he always gives as good as he gets”.

And although the Fast and Furious films are as chaste as any made for the Hallmark television channel, it would be wise to add a sex scene clause, just in case things change. If we see Jason Statham having sex with a woman, someone should be on hand to count the exact number of thrusts and measure the intensity of any ensuing orgasms, so Johnson can replicate the scene later in the film, like a creepy sex echo. The best way to enforce this equality would be to make each sex scene last for exactly three thrusts, during which the female actor yawns distractedly, before the male actor, cries and apologizes.