Axar.az presents the article “Help Wanted” by John Samuel Tieman.

Need a job? Try dictatorship! Take over a country. If recent times have shown us anything, it's that taking over America isn't as hard as we used to think. That, and Trump is an old man. So there's always room at the top. Once you are elected, here are nine easy steps for quickly going from president to dictator and for consolidating your power once you take over.

First, “Stop The Presses!” Are pesky reporters bothering you? Kill them. Or jail them. Or just don't let them in the door. In any case, nobody can fact-check you when there is nobody to fact-check. Dictatorship equals death to a free press. Things are far simpler with only one source of information: your personal Department of Propaganda.

Second, make loyalty the only requirement for office. Everyone should have the dictator's photo on the wall. Replace protest rallies with loyalty rallies. Say you want a military built on meritocracy, but you want to build one governed by political loyalty. Loyalty oaths and periodic displays of loyalty help.

Third, glorify an imaginary past. Make [whatever] great again. I'm from Missouri. “Make Missouri Great Again!” I'm not sure when Missouri was ever great, but you get the idea. Anyway, that's just a state. Think bigly! It's almost a kind of mythologizing. Start by building up a glorious Christian past and vilifying Jews. This leads to the creation of an in-group, white Christians. (And we really mean Protestants, although there are so many Catholics that you don't want to say this too loudly.) Once you get your in-group solidified, you can move on to hating Muslims, immigrants from Central America and South America, trans people, and women who want bodily autonomy. Make [whatever] great again!

Fourth, convince folks that it is best if only one person makes all the big decisions. There is a tried and true method for this. You get elected. Then you crush the system that got you elected. Crush elections and electoral systems. The crush checks and balances. Replace them with you. You normalize patronage. You normalize oligarchies. You normalize largess for the loyal. Make like elections, consulting Congress, and the rule of law never existed. Ignore human rights.

Fifth, expansionism. Take something over. Everyone likes the successful invasion of a powerless neighbor. Think about “Manifest Destiny” in U. S. history. We spread west. But why stop at West? Why not go north and take Canada? Then south and take Mexico? And let's not forget Greenland! Why not Iceland? Or Andorra?

Sixth, pick an entire group to hate. Minorities are best. Jews are always a fav. No dictatorship is complete without a plan; let's call it “Us vs. The Other”. However, it helps if “The Other” is a way smaller group than “Us”. Jews make up less than 2.5% of the population, so, as I said, a fav. Brown and Black people, of course. Muslims. Depending on where you are in the United States, Roman Catholics are always worth a shot. Whatever you do, make sure you pick an “Other” who can't meaningfully fight back. Jews, for example, have a hard time fighting 2,000 years of irrational stereotyping.

Seventh, benefit the rich and make the poor feel OK with that. The United States remains among the most unequal developed countries. And that's OK. Your job is to make sure that poor people are OK with that. Donald Trump cut children's disability benefits, allowed employers to pocket workers' tips, and slashed protections for the working poor – and he still got reelected. How? Because he made people feel included. He hates the people that they hate – people of color, immigrants, intellectuals, folks who work for newspapers.

Eighth, normalize impunity for those crimes that benefit you. Use the January 6 felons as your template. To your friends and supporters, both criminal and plain old violent, hand out pardons like Mardi Gras beads to hot chics. Giving such pardons has the ancillary benefit of making the justice system irrelevant.

Ninth, learn from the Marx brothers. In “Duck Soup, Mrs. Teasdale, a rich widow who finances the dictator of Freedonia, is played by Margaret Dumont. She says, "But I saw you with my own eyes!" To which Chicolini, played by Chico Marx, responds, "Well, who you gonna believe, me or your own eyes?" Start an initiative today, end it tomorrow, and then start it again. Start a war and say you're just defending your country. Create confusion, then blame everyone else. Change your opinion on a whim. Don't worry that all this is on TV. Remember that loyalty thing. Who are your loyalists going to believe, you or their own eyes?

Apply now. No experience is necessary. Flexible hours. No résumé is necessary, although an army behind you, or at least a violent mob, helps.